The · quiet · things · that · no · one · ever · knows.

I have been having similar dreams lately and they've been leaving me in really bad moods all day long. So I just kinda need to get it off my mind and onto something more permanent. The one last night was simple enough to have me the worst. I was sitting on a couch at some party. And I was with someone (significant other possibly). I saw an old friend and ran to go say hey. However when I got up; he disappeared. Then there was a knock on the door and it was Matt. I dropped everything and ran to him, hugged him. He went on talking or something but I just couldn't manage to get myself to let go of him. I just stood there holding him and that's when I started to cry. I woke up balling. I'm not sure if dreams have a meaning. But if they did; It makes me wonder what that could mean? Maybe it was just a crazy dream that I've had for the second time in a row and that's as deep as it gets. It's just ridiculous how torn up it had me feeling all day long.

School has started yesterday. Waking up earlier than 6 a.m. is definitely strange for me. Considering that's usually the time I finally go to bed. Takes some getting use to; I'll deal with it. His phone is back on. And I'm not worried any longer; more so relieved which is evident. We've become like close friends again, which In ways is better than nothing. I sit around most of the night wondering what the hell I want out of my life and why I'm in such a rush to grow up. I try to stop myself; Slow myself down and aim towards appreciating the age I'm at. I hear that I'll regret growing up too fast, in the future. I have no more room left in my life for regrets. I've taken a break from the wreck-less things I've recently grown accustomed to. Drugs, Alcohol, Stress smoking. It's only been near 3 weeks but when I'm ready, I'll give up the break. Something to keep me motivated; Prove to myself I have will power. I don't have eyebrows. I find that funny and ironic; And I'm definitely trying to grow them back. Its a change of pace for me, but a hassle I don't need. It's just easier not having to worry about drawing them in. I received a very nice phone call tonight, however. From a friend I haven't heard from in a good amount of time. It was nice; refreshing. Considering I don't chat often on the phone, it was definitely a plus.

I can't sleep whats new? I don't know really what to say beside a good amount of non-sense; considering that's what I'm good for. Like always. I'm worried; horribly worried. He has had his phone turned off for a good amount of time now. No word from him at all. Not so much as an email. It bothers me in a way but I brush it off; what if I lose contact with him forever? It's quite possible. I wonder what I'll do with my life? Seems everyone all of a sudden has an opinion on it. Of course, it doesn't really matter what I want to do. Be practical Melanie. Be practical. Go to college; the norm. Military? How exciting. Marines? Even better. A good way to say "fuck all of you." A perfect opportunity to get everything I need and to feel like I accomplished something worth bragging about. But of course, no one wants that; except me. I don't quite understand why sometimes I can get so down and out about absolutely nothing. Listening to a simple song can provoke such a melancholy mood. I think I need more direction; less confusion. Maybe a significant other that is a better influence on me than I am to myself. I'm not sure.

I can't sleep and I'd update my live journal since no one really reads it anyway. Too much has been going on lately and I think the reason I'm having so much trouble sleeping is because I have all this on my mind. Mom isn't living with us anymore. Shes away again, some hospital. I thought it was what I wanted but when I found out about it, it tore me up. I'm so scared for her, what happens if she never comes back and has to stay there permanently? I don't know how strong one person can be. I don't really know how to handle this and I don't really like talking about it so typing is the most I can do.

I messed up and well deserve all the harsh things he said to me. I know it's my fault. And in a way, I'm afraid to be okay. I don't want to be in a relationship because I can't stop waiting around in hopes to find something that was once lost. I know that doesn't make any sense. When I see that someone who I know finally got back together with the love of his life, it really took a bigger effect on me than I expected. I was happy for him, and envious. Because it's the one thing I've wanted for a year now. And I'm so jealous that the chances of it happening are slim. It's hard spending almost every day with someone, and them being your first love and best friend because when you lose that person, it feels like you lost your world. That's how I felt at least.

I want so badly to believe that I have a chance to be happy again with someone new. But I really don't think it'll ever happen. Maybe it's because I'll never allow myself.

I wanted to start this off with a witty quote; a phrase that could make one stop to think my intentions on writing this entry, but somehow I became sidetracked and lost track of thought.

Things have been mixed up lately and sometimes I feel like it's just too hard to exactly talk to someone on how I feel. I don't know exactly what to say, and I'm sure all this won't make much sense but oh well. I don't understand how someone who I consider a friend, would make me out to be such a horrible person. I know I've had my share of wrong doings, but never would I have set myself in the group that I was accused to. I hate feeling like I'm constantly having to defend myself, and the part of me who knows that I'm a good person wants to just say "fuck it" and not explain anything. Yet for some reason I continue to defend myself about something that someone said. I feel as though I'm dealing with elementary school drama. "Oh I'm going to tell this guy that she has STDs and that shes a whore and that shes not a good person because I don't want to simply ask him not to mess with her because I still have feelings for him" Its petty. And I've done nothing to deserve this at all. I don't understand how I can be such a nice person and then still get treated unfairly. Life isn't fair I know, I know. it's funny; but I'm not even mad about this...just upset. As for him, I'm so damn worried that something will come of us. I know that sounds stupid but It's how I feel, in a way I want to be alone forever because things seem easier that way. Maybe I shouldn't be like this; constantly taking the easy way out. Maybe I'll give things a chance, maybe. I will be leaving for kentucky in a week, and in a way I feel almost afraid to go. I can't explain myself; because I'm not even sure why. I have so many people to see, it's overwhelming. I'm afraid I'll fuck up by getting attached again, but maybe he wont be there and I'll be okay. I feel like I should just let go, I live here now. I hate not having a close friend here to talk to, someone who wont be quick to judge and someone I know I can trust no matter what. I hate that my best friend lives 12 hours away.

So I haven't updated in a while and I feel the need to.

So much has been going on and so many different emotions are coming about. I'll start with bpex. It ended this past weekend in Wildwood. It's always sad to end off a season, because you know you'll never perform that show again. And many of the people who were in B this year, will be moving up to A.

Matt had gotten into a habit for about a week, of calling me every night. In a way, I wish he wouldn't have. Because When he does things like this, I get my hopes up. I get attached to the way I feel when I get to talk to him. And then he stops calling, and I'm stuck with this feeling again. It's on and off with him, and I know that. Yet somehow I still wish he'd call.

On a side note, I'll probably get that job at acme, which will be great because I need spending money for kentucky. Speaking of which, 38 days baby! It's going to be nice to get back and see Angel again. I miss her terribly and we have much to catch up on. So I suppose all together, on top of all the bad; I'm happy. I'm grateful for what I have and just hopeful that maybe one day, things will change and look up for me

They say if something is meant to be, it'll work out in the end.

We'll see.

So here I go. Its time for me to get some things off my mind and I figure why not live journal. I'm pretty happy lately. More happy than usual. I have an awesome 2nd best friend (lol) Jamie, whom I adore. I'm always bored on weekdays so it's definitely nice to have someone to spend time with.

Angel, is amazing as well. She always makes sure to call me once a day so we can keep up with eachothers life. And I'm very thankful that I met her those years back because she has gotten me through so many hard times, and good times.

As for boys. I feel as though I need to talk about this because it has been stuck on my mind. I'm so sick of being hurt that I've blocked myself off from wanting anything to do with relationships. It might be good for me though, because I have other things to worry about. I miss Matt like crazy, and it still hurts to this day that I don't have him in my life anymore. I never realized how good of a thing I had with him, until I lost it. And I want to say I'm sorry for all of the petty fights here and there, and if I ever acted selfish or childish. We can't erase the past, and we must just move on. But somethings are difficult to let go. First Love dies hard.

On a side note: I've started up my diet for good now. I've been working out a little bit more and eating a hell of a lot less, and healtier. I want to drop these pounds I've gained since moving here. I feel so over-weight I've always been horribly self-concious and this extra baggage sure isn't helping it.

Okay well thats it for now

-Melanie